That thing I said I didn’t mean
The pain inside no one has seen
The thoughts that tumble round and round
The feelings that turn upside down
The mixed-up things deep down inside
The worries that I cannot hide
The judgements that I cannot make
The chances that I shouldn’t take
The indecision on what is right
The worldview of black and white
The gloomy shadows that come at night
The days that try to make things right
You haunt me from
The shadows. You’re always just
Around the corner waiting
For the moment of vulnerability, of
Darkness. To descend.
I fall
Into the circling spiral of the past.
To carry again the excruciating
Weight, the hauntedness, the
Helplessness, the lies,
Of you, Guilt.
You try to suffocate me
In failure, in fear. I fight.
I will win. I will not give in.
I take control.
Whatever you want, you want it so badly
You pour in your heart so deeply, completely
You hold on so tight, there is no room to breathe
And keep your eyes shut so you can believe
Whatever you want, you will not let go
Or step back or look up or even walk slow
Instead you dive in head first off the brink
Need only to feel, never stopping to think
Just look through that feeling, it colors your world
A fantasy glamorized, glittered, and pearled
Until life steals the rose glasses away
Then every color that you see is gray
Whatever you want, you better be sure
For fancies fly quickly and failures endure
But do not let go of hope that is real
For faith lives beyond whatever you feel
Asking, seeking, looking, knocking
Rising, plodding, stepping, walking
Holding hopes and crying tears
Keeping dreams and having fears
Rising up to step once more
Asking for an open door
Doubting, lacking, missing, stalling
Failing, sinking, losing, falling,
Taking hits and ending dreams
Dropping hopes and tearing seams
Failing every time I try
Doubting if I’ll ever fly
Finding, staying, being, knowing,
Reaching, healing, loving, growing
Gaining trust and forging ties
Healing wounds and changing lies
Reaching for a better place
Finding safety, peace, and grace
I hurt inside, I try to hide
The pain in here – I can’t get near
It seems to say, just go away
And do not let your guard down yet
I cannot tell quite how I fell
Into this hole, this frozen role
Or where it goes, or if one knows
If I can see how to get free
You say to me, you have the key
And I reply, but what if I
Can’t reach across the hurt and loss?
The gulf of pain leaps up again
Yet I step out through all the doubt
And there you stand to take my hand
And help me move to trust and love
A lifeline rope of hard-fought hope
